They won't change a thing.

Im so sorry everyone, I haven't posted in a month or so, but ohmygooood. So much has happened. Im sorry for not posting. I was just, i don't know what I was like.
My mum found my journal... my journal with everything I had been eating, my calorie counting, tips. EVERYTHING! She found it. She made me feels so disgusting. She made me feel like a mental patient.
She said "how could anyone think those things? It's just disturbing.."
Thanks Mum, you're a bitch. I'm disturbing now am I. Well why don't ya just kick me out, do me a favour there. And then she was like "How can anyone want to live like that? Wouldn't you rather enjoy life than go on starving yourself blah blah blah." Like seriously. You obviously wouldn't understand Mum and that is why I don't talk to you about ANYTHING because you clearly NEVER understand! ARRRRGHH!
And I ahd to go to the hospital. And be checked by a nurse, and a pediatrician and I had to talk to a dietician and a psychiatrist. It sucked. I had to eat heaps for awhile.
But I swear, they aren't stopping me. I like doing what I do. It makes me feel better. It makes me feel complete. I know i'm never going to be happy if I stay this way. Not with all the help in the world.
I don't care what I have to do. I'll just pretend to recover. And I'll stay the way I am.
My friends don't ucking understand. Uhhh it's horrible.
I'm sorry guys.
Sorry I haven't told you.
I'll be posting more regularly now.
Sorry sorry so so sorry. <3
I'll explain in more detail tomorrow. <3

:/

So today I bought a really cute journal to just carry around and record my progress :)
But anyways, today I ate:

Up and go
2 eggs, bacon and 1 pancake
10 slices of chicken

So I did okay, but I wish I hadnt have had that chicken, it was my damn bordem eating again D:

But anyways, on a deeper note...
I feel really, really lonely.
I feel like no one really cares about me. I spend so much of my time talking to people and looking after them and caring for them and just listening. But no one fucking does that for me?
Its just frustrating, i'm tired of people being so selfish. From now on im not going out of my way to talk to people and tell them about my problems because its clear they dont actually want to listen to me. They just feel obligated to. Fuck this, I dont even know who my friends are anymore.

Anyways, imma get some sleep. Good night guys.
<3<3<3

Fighting for the smallest goal to, get a little self control!

Hey guys :)

Gosh, it feels like I haven't posted in ages but I realised it was just yesterday ahha :) Well today i've had, an up and go, a tiny bit of bacon and eggs, and a chicken souvlaki from my favourite greek restaurant.
I thought that was a fair effort.. but I need to get it down even more, more, more. And it needs to STAY down.
Im so fucking tired. I would blog for longer but Im worried im going to fall asleep on the keyboard. And then this blog isnt going to be all that interesting...

Eg. geegfffffggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggrufuggggggggggggggggggggggggrf
uegfhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjgfhjegffffffffjnfurjehfrjfjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjggggggggggggggggg
ghffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffhhhhhhhhhhhhfffffffffffffffgrhgjdhgfhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Also! Before I go.. the song Me and Mia by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
If you haven't heard it.. look it up. Its amazing! It motivates me :)
(And its also where I got the title for this blog from)

Now bedtime before i indulge in any high calorie sweets! D:

Love you guys <3

Not again.

Sorry guys that last post was just an accident and I don't now how to delete it sooo.

Anyway..
It's been a shit day.
And last night I ended up eating a chocolate chip cookie like I said I would.
Can't even fucking discipline myself for a day! Ahhh!

Then today I ate, wait for it:
A cupcake and a cookie. Grr... thats like fricking 700 calories wasted!
AND I'M ABOUT TO HAVE DINNER.

*Sigh* I have no self control. How come I always do this!
I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY!

I. Hate. Bordem. Eating.

Fml. I'm so fruckign stupid. I feel like giving up but i'm not going to because I know it's going to take a few tries before I can do well. Its the only thing thats keeping me going.

That's it. Nothing but water for the rest of the week.

At least casual clothes day didnt make me feel like shit today though. Because I was one of the only people who actually wore good clothes instead of trackies. And the prettiest girl in our year level just left the school (and she always wore the best clothes) so now I don't get as depressed seeing her ahhaahah. I kinda wish I had have looked shitter than the other girls because it would have motivated me to not eat. Ahwell.

Just have to keep going I guess.

Euh. Cya.
Xxx

Its been a pretty good day. :)

I've done really well today!
I've only eaten a cheese stick all day, and have only drank water :D

Cept I had a hot chocolate in the morning. I have a hot chocolate everyday, cause my mum makes me oneto take to school.. i want to tell her not to anymore. Because its filled with calories.
But I just have to come up with a way around it so she doesn't suspect anything.

And am just about to have dinner, home made pizza. Even though i'm not even hungry :)
But I kinda have to eat dinner because it's the only way of not making anyone suspicious. Hopefully i'll get to a stage where I can just only have dinner each day.

But after dinner IM NOT EATING ANYTHING. I've done so well today, I can't ruin it munching on things with high calories.

eg. The delicious looking cookies in the fridge.

But I got some thinspirational pictures on my ipod so before i decide to munch I at least have a chance to say no.

Ahhhh I'm so fricking proud of myself.. but don't be suprised if I blog later complaining that I've ruined it all because have no fucking self control whatsoever.

Casual clothes day tomorrow :/
I'm excited cause we never get casual clothes very much.. but it's always a drainer trying to find soemthign that hides my fat stomach.
And I know tomorrow I'll end up being all depressed like I am every other casual clothes day. Because EVERYONE always looks better than me. And everyone always points out how short I am because i'm not wearing my school shoes.
Ahh well at least i'm doing something about my weight now. At least i'm actually trying to starve myself and not just thinking about it. At least im on my way somewhere.

<3<3

I haven't eaten much today.. knowing me that will change. Because I seem to have no fucking self control. I ended up totally pigging out yesterday I had like two chocolate bars. Euh. I'm disgusting.

But today I've only had a cheese stick and am now about to have dinner.
Apart from yesterday, most of my total calories everyday has been around 700-800. So that's alright I guess. But.. i'd still like to get it down to a good 650. Whenever i'm hungry i just have to control myself and find myself something to do.

I would have blogged yesterday but my internet was down. So I ended up being REALLY bored. -_- And that's when I ended up wasting all my effort. Grrr....

And no one suspects anything so that's alright :)
So yeah.. I can't think of anything else to say, but if I do, i'll be back :)

<3

My daily horoscope~

Hmm.. this is strange hahahaa...

You may be booking an appointment with a doctor or homeopath soon. Be careful to listen carefully to what is said. You have a tendency to only half listen today, and that could have an adverse effect on your treatment and well being. Be especially careful when mixing herbs and pharmaceuticals right now.

Hahahah horoscopes are such bullshit anyways.. right? :S

The Sweet Temptations.

Hey guy's :)

SO I just wanted you to know, my blog isn't letting me comment :/ So sorry if I don't reply. Otherwise you can send me an email if you'd like..
iwillnotbefrozen@hotmail.com

But anyway, to those last comments. Thanks guys. I REALLY appreciate it, honestly. It's really good to know that someone actually cares. But I am so desparate. I have no where else to go. It's like my last option. It's not like I want to be unhealthy. But at the moment, thin is more important than healthy. And I'm going to try and not let it get out of hand... if things go the way I plan.

I've only eaten 403 calories today! (Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!)
But I still have to eat dinner :/ So that could be fatally destroyed by the end of the night.

I ruined my going all day at school without eating :(
It was cupcake day at school and I indulged in a vanilla cupcake which ended up being like 300 calories. And in the morning I had a hot chocolate.
Damn me and my sweet tooth.

I feel like it's finally kicking in. The obsession is finally taking place. Like, everytime i'm hungry, or i'm offered food I just have to think about being thin and controlling myself.
I'm just starting to get determined to get the body I dream of. I just want a hip bone, and a flat stomach, and average sized boobs. Maybe then I can be just as pretty as all my friends.
Maybe then I can fit in, and i'll be the beautiful one.
Maybe it's never going to happen. Maybe the more weight I lose, the more i'll want to lose. My goal might start getting lower, and lower, and lower. Until something has to be done. But there's a chance that won't happen right?
I guess I just have to take that chance. Because i'm so, so desparate.
Desparate to be the pretty, thin girl.

I'll do whatever it takes.

We're just getting started.

Hello!

I've actually been doing really well since my last post! I've been trying to eat nothing at school, and just have dinner. And whenever i'm hungry, i just drink a glass of water really quickly. I find that it fills me up for a good 1 and a half hours. And I also go to bed a bit earlier to stop myself getting hungry late at night.
Though I have to work on not eating as much on weekends, because that's where I seem to induldge a bit more than I should.
I was talking to a school counsellor. Who I have been seeing for awhile, before I started doing this. Though she doesn't know how I feel about my weight or anything. She was asking me if I eat breakfeast, to which I replied "No". She told me to have even just an up and go everyone morning. because breakfeast starts your metabolism going. And usually anything you eat in the morning, no fat from that is taken in. Usually just stuff you eat later in the evening is what gives you calories. So that was really good advice for me to take in. So i might just drink an up and go to start my metabolism and help my body to lose more weight!
I have been trying not to complain about my weight or appearance to anyone. So they don't suspect I have a problem with my body. And then it makes it easier to excuse myself from eating. :)

But I still have a long way to go. :/

Losing my motives..

Okay it's been five days, I just can't get motivated..
Im losing my determination. I eat something wrecklessly and feel so guilty about it afterwards.
I need to do this for myself.. but i feel like its going to take forever, like I just give up on things so easily.
I really want to do this but I just need an extra push.
I know I want to be thin and beautiful, I just don't know what to do.
At the time I don't care and I eat, then at the end of the day i've realised I screwed up my whole plan!
Im so angry with myself! Arrgh!
:'(

xx

My very first words.

Hi :) Im Kourtney, im 14 years old and i am (well will be hopefully) a pro-ana.. or a pre pro-ana?.
If you are against the opinions on this blog, then please do not read it. I completely understand if your are because its not the healthiest option. But I'm determined to do this and any hate messages are just going to get deleted.. so here goes...

I weigh about 50 kilos and am 157cm tall. Which apparently is a "healthy" weight for my age and height.

Though I dont really agree with that opinion.

When I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is fat.
Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat and more fat.

I feel disgusting.

Im not unpopular at school. In fact, im friends with most of the people there. I have many close friends too. Who are really supportive of me. They compliment me, comment on my photos and make me feel good about myself :)

But these minor self esteems boosts dont last for very long.

I hate healthy foods... i dont eat hardly and vegetables or fruits, i barely drink water. I love foods like breads, eggs, pasta and dairy (all the fatty foods :@!!).

But i've decided to do something about my weight and be a pro-ana!
Meaning a pro anorexic.
I mean im not anorexic yet, but im determined to get there.
I've been looking up tips and advice, sites and blogs i can follow. And i haven't eaten all day today! I've only had a chocolate milk (let myself down a bit there), a orange juice and a glass of water.. but im about to have dinner.. :/
Ive tried purging but its much too hard.

Ive decided im going to try and just eat dinner every day, and then cut it down a bit more until im not eating anything!

But its going to be a bit hard with the fam in the house.. i wont be able to skip dinner every night. But i can find little ways around it..


So this is my day 1 blog. Please follow :) If i get enough followers ill be determined to blog regularly.

<3<3