Sunday 29 April 2012
I Can't Take It Anymore.
I'm just dying inside. I feel like I'm dead. I break down all the time and I just feel so worthless and euh. No one helps. Everyone makes everything worse. No one even cares about me anymore, I'm convinced. I thought the youngest child was supposed to e the spoilt one. Someone help me. I'm so sad. I'm just, so sad inside. I need help. I want help. Yet my mind isn't letting me ask. It's because I've been there, done that. No one helps. I want to cut. I just want to bleed and starve and purge. I want to run away.
Friday 13 April 2012
I'm back.
Oh my gosh, it's been so long. I'm so sorry for just leaving so suddenly without any warning. I just thought about this blog today and was missing having lovely people to talk to and being able to share/express my thoughts and opinions so freely. I don't know.
I came back and read all your lovely comments. I felt so loved. :)
I have a lot to say in this post. A lot.
I'm sorry to those who are, but I don't consider myself "pro" anorexic anymore.
In fact, the term disgusts me. I don't want to offend anyone who is, I just can't say that anymore. I am so against this, it is wrong and horrible and I would adivse anyone starting out NOT to do it. All the people who warned me were so so right. It isn't glamorous, or easy. It's horrible. There is simply no way to starve yourself and lose weight and not have all these horrible feelings.
Eating disorders are sick, twisted, confusing things.
I had all these doctor's appointments. I met with all these people. I saw a psych for awhile. I lied to all of them. I didn't tell them the full truth. How strong the feelings had become etc. I think I managed to convince them it was simply a phase. It definitely is not a phase.
I have become so so incredibly good at hiding this problem. I haven't eaten all day today. I'm going to eat dinner, then I'll probably have a shower and purge it. I'm below the weight I was when I got caught! I was 48kg. I am now 47kg. Yay! According to my BMI I am ALMOST underweight for my height.
I have a boyfriend now. :) He knows the most about this out of anyone who does. He's tring to help me, make me stop. I don't know. I wish I never told him though, because without him there would be no one in the way right now. He convinces me to eat meals sometimes. I've agreed to cut down on the purging and I've told him I'm going to stop cutting/burning myself.
Oh yeah. I self harm now.
Life is horrible. This world is horrible. I wish I could go back to the me that started this blog and tell her to stop. She didn't know what she was getting into. I deserve this though, I truely believe I do. I'm worthless. Only just going back and looking at my very first posts do I realise how much stronger the thoughts are now. I can't take it. I think about suicide every single day. For the past few weeks I've stopped talking to my boyfriend about he problems, which he isn't happy about. I just don't want to talk. It's horrible, but I just want to repress all these things until they go away. Actually, I know they won't go away. I know they'll just constantly lay in my subconcious eating away at me. I've learnt to make this inner sadness more tangible thought, by taking it out on my body. By starving, cutting, burning, purging. It's so sad. I feel the most pathetic I ever have. You think I would want to get help but I'm so addicted, obsessed. I can't get help, I don't want to stop this. I want to stop the thoughts, but if I want to stop those they're going to make me stop doing all this to myself. I don't want to. I really don't.
I'm sorry. This is probably just too much ranting for one day but.. yeah.
I'll post again soonish. I'm on school holiday's at the moment. I have a party tomorrow night. I'm not eating tomorrow so I won't look even more disgusting in my dress. Euh. What has my life come to?
I'd love to have a chat buddy on Tumblr. If anyone has it. I have a secret one specifically for my problems, haha. So feel free to message me, ask me questions (on anon if you like). I'm happy to offer advice and stuff too! I love helping people. :)
Also, you can email me if you like: iwillnotbefrozen@hotmail.com. Though, i'll probably take awhile to reply by email. The quickest way to get my reply is a Tumblr message/ask.
My tumblr is: www.my-toxic-wonderland.tumblr.com
I'm happy to follow back, too. :)
Have a lovely day, keep your head held high.
You're all so beautiful.
Courtney (Yes, with a "c". I'm actually Courtney with a "c".)
<3
I came back and read all your lovely comments. I felt so loved. :)
I have a lot to say in this post. A lot.
I'm sorry to those who are, but I don't consider myself "pro" anorexic anymore.
In fact, the term disgusts me. I don't want to offend anyone who is, I just can't say that anymore. I am so against this, it is wrong and horrible and I would adivse anyone starting out NOT to do it. All the people who warned me were so so right. It isn't glamorous, or easy. It's horrible. There is simply no way to starve yourself and lose weight and not have all these horrible feelings.
Eating disorders are sick, twisted, confusing things.
I had all these doctor's appointments. I met with all these people. I saw a psych for awhile. I lied to all of them. I didn't tell them the full truth. How strong the feelings had become etc. I think I managed to convince them it was simply a phase. It definitely is not a phase.
I have become so so incredibly good at hiding this problem. I haven't eaten all day today. I'm going to eat dinner, then I'll probably have a shower and purge it. I'm below the weight I was when I got caught! I was 48kg. I am now 47kg. Yay! According to my BMI I am ALMOST underweight for my height.
I have a boyfriend now. :) He knows the most about this out of anyone who does. He's tring to help me, make me stop. I don't know. I wish I never told him though, because without him there would be no one in the way right now. He convinces me to eat meals sometimes. I've agreed to cut down on the purging and I've told him I'm going to stop cutting/burning myself.
Oh yeah. I self harm now.
Life is horrible. This world is horrible. I wish I could go back to the me that started this blog and tell her to stop. She didn't know what she was getting into. I deserve this though, I truely believe I do. I'm worthless. Only just going back and looking at my very first posts do I realise how much stronger the thoughts are now. I can't take it. I think about suicide every single day. For the past few weeks I've stopped talking to my boyfriend about he problems, which he isn't happy about. I just don't want to talk. It's horrible, but I just want to repress all these things until they go away. Actually, I know they won't go away. I know they'll just constantly lay in my subconcious eating away at me. I've learnt to make this inner sadness more tangible thought, by taking it out on my body. By starving, cutting, burning, purging. It's so sad. I feel the most pathetic I ever have. You think I would want to get help but I'm so addicted, obsessed. I can't get help, I don't want to stop this. I want to stop the thoughts, but if I want to stop those they're going to make me stop doing all this to myself. I don't want to. I really don't.
I'm sorry. This is probably just too much ranting for one day but.. yeah.
I'll post again soonish. I'm on school holiday's at the moment. I have a party tomorrow night. I'm not eating tomorrow so I won't look even more disgusting in my dress. Euh. What has my life come to?
I'd love to have a chat buddy on Tumblr. If anyone has it. I have a secret one specifically for my problems, haha. So feel free to message me, ask me questions (on anon if you like). I'm happy to offer advice and stuff too! I love helping people. :)
Also, you can email me if you like: iwillnotbefrozen@hotmail.com. Though, i'll probably take awhile to reply by email. The quickest way to get my reply is a Tumblr message/ask.
My tumblr is: www.my-toxic-wonderland.tumblr.com
I'm happy to follow back, too. :)
Have a lovely day, keep your head held high.
You're all so beautiful.
Courtney (Yes, with a "c". I'm actually Courtney with a "c".)
<3
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