Sunday, 29 April 2012
I Can't Take It Anymore.
I'm just dying inside. I feel like I'm dead. I break down all the time and I just feel so worthless and euh. No one helps. Everyone makes everything worse. No one even cares about me anymore, I'm convinced. I thought the youngest child was supposed to e the spoilt one. Someone help me. I'm so sad. I'm just, so sad inside. I need help. I want help. Yet my mind isn't letting me ask. It's because I've been there, done that. No one helps. I want to cut. I just want to bleed and starve and purge. I want to run away.
Friday, 13 April 2012
I'm back.
Oh my gosh, it's been so long. I'm so sorry for just leaving so suddenly without any warning. I just thought about this blog today and was missing having lovely people to talk to and being able to share/express my thoughts and opinions so freely. I don't know.
I came back and read all your lovely comments. I felt so loved. :)
I have a lot to say in this post. A lot.
I'm sorry to those who are, but I don't consider myself "pro" anorexic anymore.
In fact, the term disgusts me. I don't want to offend anyone who is, I just can't say that anymore. I am so against this, it is wrong and horrible and I would adivse anyone starting out NOT to do it. All the people who warned me were so so right. It isn't glamorous, or easy. It's horrible. There is simply no way to starve yourself and lose weight and not have all these horrible feelings.
Eating disorders are sick, twisted, confusing things.
I had all these doctor's appointments. I met with all these people. I saw a psych for awhile. I lied to all of them. I didn't tell them the full truth. How strong the feelings had become etc. I think I managed to convince them it was simply a phase. It definitely is not a phase.
I have become so so incredibly good at hiding this problem. I haven't eaten all day today. I'm going to eat dinner, then I'll probably have a shower and purge it. I'm below the weight I was when I got caught! I was 48kg. I am now 47kg. Yay! According to my BMI I am ALMOST underweight for my height.
I have a boyfriend now. :) He knows the most about this out of anyone who does. He's tring to help me, make me stop. I don't know. I wish I never told him though, because without him there would be no one in the way right now. He convinces me to eat meals sometimes. I've agreed to cut down on the purging and I've told him I'm going to stop cutting/burning myself.
Oh yeah. I self harm now.
Life is horrible. This world is horrible. I wish I could go back to the me that started this blog and tell her to stop. She didn't know what she was getting into. I deserve this though, I truely believe I do. I'm worthless. Only just going back and looking at my very first posts do I realise how much stronger the thoughts are now. I can't take it. I think about suicide every single day. For the past few weeks I've stopped talking to my boyfriend about he problems, which he isn't happy about. I just don't want to talk. It's horrible, but I just want to repress all these things until they go away. Actually, I know they won't go away. I know they'll just constantly lay in my subconcious eating away at me. I've learnt to make this inner sadness more tangible thought, by taking it out on my body. By starving, cutting, burning, purging. It's so sad. I feel the most pathetic I ever have. You think I would want to get help but I'm so addicted, obsessed. I can't get help, I don't want to stop this. I want to stop the thoughts, but if I want to stop those they're going to make me stop doing all this to myself. I don't want to. I really don't.
I'm sorry. This is probably just too much ranting for one day but.. yeah.
I'll post again soonish. I'm on school holiday's at the moment. I have a party tomorrow night. I'm not eating tomorrow so I won't look even more disgusting in my dress. Euh. What has my life come to?
I'd love to have a chat buddy on Tumblr. If anyone has it. I have a secret one specifically for my problems, haha. So feel free to message me, ask me questions (on anon if you like). I'm happy to offer advice and stuff too! I love helping people. :)
Also, you can email me if you like: iwillnotbefrozen@hotmail.com. Though, i'll probably take awhile to reply by email. The quickest way to get my reply is a Tumblr message/ask.
My tumblr is: www.my-toxic-wonderland.tumblr.com
I'm happy to follow back, too. :)
Have a lovely day, keep your head held high.
You're all so beautiful.
Courtney (Yes, with a "c". I'm actually Courtney with a "c".)
<3
I came back and read all your lovely comments. I felt so loved. :)
I have a lot to say in this post. A lot.
I'm sorry to those who are, but I don't consider myself "pro" anorexic anymore.
In fact, the term disgusts me. I don't want to offend anyone who is, I just can't say that anymore. I am so against this, it is wrong and horrible and I would adivse anyone starting out NOT to do it. All the people who warned me were so so right. It isn't glamorous, or easy. It's horrible. There is simply no way to starve yourself and lose weight and not have all these horrible feelings.
Eating disorders are sick, twisted, confusing things.
I had all these doctor's appointments. I met with all these people. I saw a psych for awhile. I lied to all of them. I didn't tell them the full truth. How strong the feelings had become etc. I think I managed to convince them it was simply a phase. It definitely is not a phase.
I have become so so incredibly good at hiding this problem. I haven't eaten all day today. I'm going to eat dinner, then I'll probably have a shower and purge it. I'm below the weight I was when I got caught! I was 48kg. I am now 47kg. Yay! According to my BMI I am ALMOST underweight for my height.
I have a boyfriend now. :) He knows the most about this out of anyone who does. He's tring to help me, make me stop. I don't know. I wish I never told him though, because without him there would be no one in the way right now. He convinces me to eat meals sometimes. I've agreed to cut down on the purging and I've told him I'm going to stop cutting/burning myself.
Oh yeah. I self harm now.
Life is horrible. This world is horrible. I wish I could go back to the me that started this blog and tell her to stop. She didn't know what she was getting into. I deserve this though, I truely believe I do. I'm worthless. Only just going back and looking at my very first posts do I realise how much stronger the thoughts are now. I can't take it. I think about suicide every single day. For the past few weeks I've stopped talking to my boyfriend about he problems, which he isn't happy about. I just don't want to talk. It's horrible, but I just want to repress all these things until they go away. Actually, I know they won't go away. I know they'll just constantly lay in my subconcious eating away at me. I've learnt to make this inner sadness more tangible thought, by taking it out on my body. By starving, cutting, burning, purging. It's so sad. I feel the most pathetic I ever have. You think I would want to get help but I'm so addicted, obsessed. I can't get help, I don't want to stop this. I want to stop the thoughts, but if I want to stop those they're going to make me stop doing all this to myself. I don't want to. I really don't.
I'm sorry. This is probably just too much ranting for one day but.. yeah.
I'll post again soonish. I'm on school holiday's at the moment. I have a party tomorrow night. I'm not eating tomorrow so I won't look even more disgusting in my dress. Euh. What has my life come to?
I'd love to have a chat buddy on Tumblr. If anyone has it. I have a secret one specifically for my problems, haha. So feel free to message me, ask me questions (on anon if you like). I'm happy to offer advice and stuff too! I love helping people. :)
Also, you can email me if you like: iwillnotbefrozen@hotmail.com. Though, i'll probably take awhile to reply by email. The quickest way to get my reply is a Tumblr message/ask.
My tumblr is: www.my-toxic-wonderland.tumblr.com
I'm happy to follow back, too. :)
Have a lovely day, keep your head held high.
You're all so beautiful.
Courtney (Yes, with a "c". I'm actually Courtney with a "c".)
<3
Saturday, 1 October 2011
They won't change a thing.
Im so sorry everyone, I haven't posted in a month or so, but ohmygooood. So much has happened. Im sorry for not posting. I was just, i don't know what I was like.
My mum found my journal... my journal with everything I had been eating, my calorie counting, tips. EVERYTHING! She found it. She made me feels so disgusting. She made me feel like a mental patient.
She said "how could anyone think those things? It's just disturbing.."
Thanks Mum, you're a bitch. I'm disturbing now am I. Well why don't ya just kick me out, do me a favour there. And then she was like "How can anyone want to live like that? Wouldn't you rather enjoy life than go on starving yourself blah blah blah." Like seriously. You obviously wouldn't understand Mum and that is why I don't talk to you about ANYTHING because you clearly NEVER understand! ARRRRGHH!
And I ahd to go to the hospital. And be checked by a nurse, and a pediatrician and I had to talk to a dietician and a psychiatrist. It sucked. I had to eat heaps for awhile.
But I swear, they aren't stopping me. I like doing what I do. It makes me feel better. It makes me feel complete. I know i'm never going to be happy if I stay this way. Not with all the help in the world.
I don't care what I have to do. I'll just pretend to recover. And I'll stay the way I am.
My friends don't ucking understand. Uhhh it's horrible.
I'm sorry guys.
Sorry I haven't told you.
I'll be posting more regularly now.
Sorry sorry so so sorry. <3
I'll explain in more detail tomorrow. <3
My mum found my journal... my journal with everything I had been eating, my calorie counting, tips. EVERYTHING! She found it. She made me feels so disgusting. She made me feel like a mental patient.
She said "how could anyone think those things? It's just disturbing.."
Thanks Mum, you're a bitch. I'm disturbing now am I. Well why don't ya just kick me out, do me a favour there. And then she was like "How can anyone want to live like that? Wouldn't you rather enjoy life than go on starving yourself blah blah blah." Like seriously. You obviously wouldn't understand Mum and that is why I don't talk to you about ANYTHING because you clearly NEVER understand! ARRRRGHH!
And I ahd to go to the hospital. And be checked by a nurse, and a pediatrician and I had to talk to a dietician and a psychiatrist. It sucked. I had to eat heaps for awhile.
But I swear, they aren't stopping me. I like doing what I do. It makes me feel better. It makes me feel complete. I know i'm never going to be happy if I stay this way. Not with all the help in the world.
I don't care what I have to do. I'll just pretend to recover. And I'll stay the way I am.
My friends don't ucking understand. Uhhh it's horrible.
I'm sorry guys.
Sorry I haven't told you.
I'll be posting more regularly now.
Sorry sorry so so sorry. <3
I'll explain in more detail tomorrow. <3
Sunday, 21 August 2011
:/
So today I bought a really cute journal to just carry around and record my progress :)
But anyways, today I ate:
Up and go
2 eggs, bacon and 1 pancake
10 slices of chicken
So I did okay, but I wish I hadnt have had that chicken, it was my damn bordem eating again D:
But anyways, on a deeper note...
I feel really, really lonely.
I feel like no one really cares about me. I spend so much of my time talking to people and looking after them and caring for them and just listening. But no one fucking does that for me?
Its just frustrating, i'm tired of people being so selfish. From now on im not going out of my way to talk to people and tell them about my problems because its clear they dont actually want to listen to me. They just feel obligated to. Fuck this, I dont even know who my friends are anymore.
Anyways, imma get some sleep. Good night guys.
<3<3<3
But anyways, today I ate:
Up and go
2 eggs, bacon and 1 pancake
10 slices of chicken
So I did okay, but I wish I hadnt have had that chicken, it was my damn bordem eating again D:
But anyways, on a deeper note...
I feel really, really lonely.
I feel like no one really cares about me. I spend so much of my time talking to people and looking after them and caring for them and just listening. But no one fucking does that for me?
Its just frustrating, i'm tired of people being so selfish. From now on im not going out of my way to talk to people and tell them about my problems because its clear they dont actually want to listen to me. They just feel obligated to. Fuck this, I dont even know who my friends are anymore.
Anyways, imma get some sleep. Good night guys.
<3<3<3
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Fighting for the smallest goal to, get a little self control!
Hey guys :)
Gosh, it feels like I haven't posted in ages but I realised it was just yesterday ahha :) Well today i've had, an up and go, a tiny bit of bacon and eggs, and a chicken souvlaki from my favourite greek restaurant.
I thought that was a fair effort.. but I need to get it down even more, more, more. And it needs to STAY down.
Im so fucking tired. I would blog for longer but Im worried im going to fall asleep on the keyboard. And then this blog isnt going to be all that interesting...
Eg. geegfffffggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggrufuggggggggggggggggggggggggrf
uegfhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjgfhjegffffffffjnfurjehfrjfjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjggggggggggggggggg
ghffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffhhhhhhhhhhhhfffffffffffffffgrhgjdhgfhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Also! Before I go.. the song Me and Mia by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
If you haven't heard it.. look it up. Its amazing! It motivates me :)
(And its also where I got the title for this blog from)
Now bedtime before i indulge in any high calorie sweets! D:
Love you guys <3
Gosh, it feels like I haven't posted in ages but I realised it was just yesterday ahha :) Well today i've had, an up and go, a tiny bit of bacon and eggs, and a chicken souvlaki from my favourite greek restaurant.
I thought that was a fair effort.. but I need to get it down even more, more, more. And it needs to STAY down.
Im so fucking tired. I would blog for longer but Im worried im going to fall asleep on the keyboard. And then this blog isnt going to be all that interesting...
Eg. geegfffffggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggrufuggggggggggggggggggggggggrf
uegfhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjgfhjegffffffffjnfurjehfrjfjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjggggggggggggggggg
ghffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffhhhhhhhhhhhhfffffffffffffffgrhgjdhgfhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Also! Before I go.. the song Me and Mia by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
If you haven't heard it.. look it up. Its amazing! It motivates me :)
(And its also where I got the title for this blog from)
Now bedtime before i indulge in any high calorie sweets! D:
Love you guys <3
Thursday, 18 August 2011
Not again.
Sorry guys that last post was just an accident and I don't now how to delete it sooo.
Anyway..
It's been a shit day.
And last night I ended up eating a chocolate chip cookie like I said I would.
Can't even fucking discipline myself for a day! Ahhh!
Then today I ate, wait for it:
A cupcake and a cookie. Grr... thats like fricking 700 calories wasted!
AND I'M ABOUT TO HAVE DINNER.
*Sigh* I have no self control. How come I always do this!
I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY!
I. Hate. Bordem. Eating.
Fml. I'm so fruckign stupid. I feel like giving up but i'm not going to because I know it's going to take a few tries before I can do well. Its the only thing thats keeping me going.
That's it. Nothing but water for the rest of the week.
At least casual clothes day didnt make me feel like shit today though. Because I was one of the only people who actually wore good clothes instead of trackies. And the prettiest girl in our year level just left the school (and she always wore the best clothes) so now I don't get as depressed seeing her ahhaahah. I kinda wish I had have looked shitter than the other girls because it would have motivated me to not eat. Ahwell.
Just have to keep going I guess.
Euh. Cya.
Xxx
Anyway..
It's been a shit day.
And last night I ended up eating a chocolate chip cookie like I said I would.
Can't even fucking discipline myself for a day! Ahhh!
Then today I ate, wait for it:
A cupcake and a cookie. Grr... thats like fricking 700 calories wasted!
AND I'M ABOUT TO HAVE DINNER.
*Sigh* I have no self control. How come I always do this!
I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY!
I. Hate. Bordem. Eating.
Fml. I'm so fruckign stupid. I feel like giving up but i'm not going to because I know it's going to take a few tries before I can do well. Its the only thing thats keeping me going.
That's it. Nothing but water for the rest of the week.
At least casual clothes day didnt make me feel like shit today though. Because I was one of the only people who actually wore good clothes instead of trackies. And the prettiest girl in our year level just left the school (and she always wore the best clothes) so now I don't get as depressed seeing her ahhaahah. I kinda wish I had have looked shitter than the other girls because it would have motivated me to not eat. Ahwell.
Just have to keep going I guess.
Euh. Cya.
Xxx
Its been a pretty good day. :)
I've done really well today!
I've only eaten a cheese stick all day, and have only drank water :D
Cept I had a hot chocolate in the morning. I have a hot chocolate everyday, cause my mum makes me oneto take to school.. i want to tell her not to anymore. Because its filled with calories.
But I just have to come up with a way around it so she doesn't suspect anything.
And am just about to have dinner, home made pizza. Even though i'm not even hungry :)
But I kinda have to eat dinner because it's the only way of not making anyone suspicious. Hopefully i'll get to a stage where I can just only have dinner each day.
But after dinner IM NOT EATING ANYTHING. I've done so well today, I can't ruin it munching on things with high calories.
eg. The delicious looking cookies in the fridge.
But I got some thinspirational pictures on my ipod so before i decide to munch I at least have a chance to say no.
Ahhhh I'm so fricking proud of myself.. but don't be suprised if I blog later complaining that I've ruined it all because have no fucking self control whatsoever.
Casual clothes day tomorrow :/
I'm excited cause we never get casual clothes very much.. but it's always a drainer trying to find soemthign that hides my fat stomach.
And I know tomorrow I'll end up being all depressed like I am every other casual clothes day. Because EVERYONE always looks better than me. And everyone always points out how short I am because i'm not wearing my school shoes.
Ahh well at least i'm doing something about my weight now. At least i'm actually trying to starve myself and not just thinking about it. At least im on my way somewhere.
<3<3
I've only eaten a cheese stick all day, and have only drank water :D
Cept I had a hot chocolate in the morning. I have a hot chocolate everyday, cause my mum makes me oneto take to school.. i want to tell her not to anymore. Because its filled with calories.
But I just have to come up with a way around it so she doesn't suspect anything.
And am just about to have dinner, home made pizza. Even though i'm not even hungry :)
But I kinda have to eat dinner because it's the only way of not making anyone suspicious. Hopefully i'll get to a stage where I can just only have dinner each day.
But after dinner IM NOT EATING ANYTHING. I've done so well today, I can't ruin it munching on things with high calories.
eg. The delicious looking cookies in the fridge.
But I got some thinspirational pictures on my ipod so before i decide to munch I at least have a chance to say no.
Ahhhh I'm so fricking proud of myself.. but don't be suprised if I blog later complaining that I've ruined it all because have no fucking self control whatsoever.
Casual clothes day tomorrow :/
I'm excited cause we never get casual clothes very much.. but it's always a drainer trying to find soemthign that hides my fat stomach.
And I know tomorrow I'll end up being all depressed like I am every other casual clothes day. Because EVERYONE always looks better than me. And everyone always points out how short I am because i'm not wearing my school shoes.
Ahh well at least i'm doing something about my weight now. At least i'm actually trying to starve myself and not just thinking about it. At least im on my way somewhere.
<3<3
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